Why I Was Scared to Start
The Beginning of Healing
A little over a year ago, I really started working on my self-healing journey. Part of that was having the strength to pick up the phone and make a therapy appointment.
Along with starting therapy, I decided to take some time out of my evenings before bed to write.
These two small acts...
These two small acts, calling for help and picking up a pen, were the first real steps toward trusting myself again.
“Calling for help and picking up a pen were the first steps toward trusting myself again.”
A Moment of Clarity
Several months ago, I listened to the 10-minute guided meditation, and I shit you not, it guided me to talk to my younger self, and I ended up in tears.
It was the first time I had ever been able to sit through and picture something vividly in my head. I thought to myself, “ I wish the younger version of me had this version of me to guide her.”
Now, this isn’t a knock on anyone in my life, past or present, but more so a longing, a wish for someone who truly understood me as an individual. Someone with no judgement, no comparisons, and no pressure to change who I was.
That moment cracked something open in me.
Why I Created Taylored Balance
That longing for unconditional support, for a space where I could fully be myself without judgment, became the reason I decided to start this blog.
Even if you don’t necessarily relate to my specific struggles living with ADHD, OCD or anxiety, I’d bet you are close with someone who does. I believe these stories, this growth and these small moment of learning are something everyone can connect with on some level.
The night I decided I wanted to write to help others, or even just make people aware of how people with mental health disorders live, cope, and love themselves through their flaws, was the night Taylored Balance was born.
I didn’t know exactly what it would look like, I just knew I wanted to create something honest.
The Fear of Being Seen
In true ADHD fashion, I decided I needed to make this happen yesterday. For about a month, I tried to pull myself together to be “internet perfect”. I hyper-focused on the idea and, well… I burnt out.
Because NEWS flash, I’m not that girl.
I was hell-bent on trying to prove I had “figured out” how to cope with my mental health struggles. Once again, that old habit of hiding who I was crept in, still afraid of being truly seen.
A Sign and a Reminder
Several months later, I went to this really cool witches’ fair and I got my palm read for the first time. Without telling her anything about myself, she went right in and said I was the type of person who was always going through something, always trying to be enough.
She told me that I needed a creative outlet to keep my busy mind at ease. I was like yeah, this is my sign.
But I was still scared.
Starting Anyway
But here I am, ripping the band-aid off.
I am really going to do this…publicly.
I was…no…I am terrified.
My heart is racing writing this and thinking about the fact that soon I will be hitting publish. But I’m reminding myself: it’s okay to fail, it’s okay for people not to like me for the real me. I’m dropping the idea that I need to show up perfect because I am far from that.
It has been months since I even thought about rebuilding the courage to launch this journey, but recently, I have been reminded why I wanted to do this in the first place, for myself.
My Loud Mind
Writing and reflecting is how I bring myself back to myself and my goals.
One of my biggest learnings lately is how my internal monologue works. (Did you know not everyone has one?I still don’t understand how someone’s mind can just be silent!)
I’ve struggled with mine, and I’ve learned it’s tied not only to my anxiety but to having a mild form of OCD.
I don’t think I have a great memory, per se, but I I can basically remember every criticism I’ve ever received since I was a child, the facial expression, the background noise, even the lighting. Some days it consumes me. I second-guess everything I say or do, terrified I’ll do something wrong or not good enough.
The fear of never being good enough has consumed me for most of my life.
That’s at the top of my list to talk about in therapy.
Learning to Let Go
Part of my healing journey, is letting that piece of me go, or at least to accept that I won’t be “enough” for everyone, and sometimes I’ll be “too much” for others.
I’m learning to accept that I can do things that I’m not conventionally “good” at. (I’ll attach a picture of my latest art work once it’s finished. Hint it’s drying.)
If something brings me joy, I am doing it.
Finding My Balance
I want to share this journey, how I dedicate my life to finding nourishment, reflection and thriving. I want to provide a space for people like me who are looking for community, or for those wanting to better support their loved ones.
And for those of us who are simply busy and just want a quick recipe that works for a household of 3 adults with different taste buds, you’re welcome her, too.
Taylored Balance is a space for the messy middle, for vulnerability, growth, and a little bit of humor (even though I promise I’m not that funny, so don’t hold me to it)